Your Divorce And Your Fears

Ending a marriage or relationship can result in all kinds of fears. Some fears you might have never experienced before. Others are old fears that you have had most of your life but may have done a good job of hiding.

In this situation, it is easy to allow yourself to be immobilized by your fears. You can become to afraid to even attempt to move on. A little fear could be motivating but when it becomes overwhelming, it may difficult to function and to get on with your life.

The first thing that you need to know about your fears is that the fears not yet identified may be the most powerful ones to face. When you identify them, study them, and face them, you will discover they were not as bad as you may have originally thought.

An important to thing to remember is that fear that you refuse have a nasty way of occurring and reoccurring until you face them. What you resist persists.

The greatest fear that you might experience in your divorce experience is that of being alone and living alone. This is common, especially in the first part of your divorce. It is easy to look at the current situation of being alone, assume that it will just be that way, and remain so. If you have any abandonment issues this is the perfect time for them to pop up in order for you to deal with them.

Being unlovable and the feeling of being unlovable can also be extremely debilitating. Divorce comes down to being the ultimate rejection. If your ex-partner who had vowed their life till the end no longer wants to live with you, then you must be unlovable, right? The combination of being afraid of living alone WITH the belief and feeling that you are unlovable can be downright unbearable.

Going trough a divorce or becoming divorced is a very hurtful experience. You can be afraid of being hurt even more as you are probably going through an experience that hurts to a degree that you could have never imagined. You can be afraid that you might break and not be able to survive if you were hurt again. Later on in the process, you might even begin to insulate yourself from others from the fear of hurting them. You understand what you went through and you have zero inclination do anything damaging or hurtful to another.

Divorce is something that will change you. There is no escaping it. If you are afraid of change the unknowns of going through a divorce can be rather frightening. The idea of getting out there, meeting new people, and maybe even dating can be so fear inducing that you might refuse to even consider or think about it.

Here is a list of all the common fears one can feel going through a divorce or if they are recently divorced:

  • Fear of being alone or fear of being alone forever.
  • Fear of loneliness.
  • Fear of never finding love again.
  • Fear of being undesirable and nobody wanting to be in a relationship.
  • Fear of being unlovable.
  • Fear of growing old and dying alone.
  • Fear of falling in love and being rejected all over again. Fear of rejection.
  • Fear of being hurt again.
  • Fear of never recovering or being happy again.
  • Fear of dealing with the pain.
  • Fear of change.
  • Fear of single life and being “out there.”
  • Fear of failure in future relationships.
  • Fear of intimacy.
  • Fear of commitment.
  • Fear of never being able to trust again.
  • Fear of history repeating itself.
  • Fear of letting go…
  • Fear of losing a job.
  • Fear of being poor and ending up homeless.
  • Fear of not having enough income for bills.
  • Fear of becoming ill and nobody to help.
  • Fear of losing friends and family.
  • Fear of the unknown/unidentified fears.
  • Fear of depression.
  • Fear of becoming mentally ill.
  • Fear of the ‘recovery period’ never ending.
  • Fear of becoming emotionally numb.
  • Fear of being labeled.
  • Fear of doing things alone, movies, dinner, travel.
  • Fear of not having security or comfort.
  • Fear of realizing the divorce or breakup was a mistake and that you were indeed with the right person.
  • Fear for the ability to support or raise children.
  • Fear of losing kids or having them taken away.

You can survive the fear experience, which comes with divorce. Your fear can be used to motivate you into developing new coping skills, and make you stronger both emotionally and physically.

The best way to overcome your fears is to face them. Just feel them and know that they are just feelings, and not necessarily what is really happening in the moment. When it comes to dealing with your fears, the direct approach is best. “The only way out is through.”

Use your divorce and your fears to be a catalyst for personal growth. By facing and overcoming your fears, you can turn what might be the greatest crisis in your life into your greatest accomplishment and personal growth experience.

Andy Wooten M.A. Counseling – Certified Life Coach – Aspen, Colorado

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