How Being A People-Pleaser Backfires

being a people-pleaser backfiresWe are all people-pleasers to one degree or another, after all who wants to go around displeasing everyone all of the time anyway? But being a people-pleaser backfires usually if all that we focus on is pleasing others.

How Being A People-Pleaser Backfires

Those who lean strongly towards pleasing others often forget to take care of themselves first. By always putting everyone else’s needs before their own, people-pleasers are often beat-down, exhausted, and depleted from always giving… Being a people-pleaser backfires brilliantly in this case and as one of my friends is fond of saying, “You have to put YOUR oxygen mask on first before you can help others.”

Since people-pleasers are so externally focused on the needs of others, when it does come time to take care of themselves, they often feel guilty for doing it. Let me tell you, taking care of yourself is NEVER anything that you should feel guilty about and there is nothing wrong with doing that if you must. If your tanks are empty, what can you give to someone else?

Conflict, handling conflict, and conflict resolution is another area where being a people-pleaser backfires. Nobody really enjoys conflict and we often go out of our way to avoid it, as most are not comfortable with conflict but especially so for people-pleasers.

Conflict is unavoidable in life and that is a good thing as it is actually necessary in order to learn, to grow, and to evolve. But those with a people-pleasing mindset will always lose in a conflict as they are prone to compromise their own values if it means it will squash the conflict and thus make them likeable again. Not to mention that people-pleasers find it nearly impossible to say to “no” to anyone… ever… well, this is just another way they lose in any conflict or negotiation.

There is nothing wrong with being a “nice person” as you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. However, being too “nice” increases the risk of being someone who sacrifices their own well being or happiness for others. This is where being a “nice person” can get you into trouble and being a people-pleaser backfires.

The first step is breaking the people-pleaser cycle is both the easiest and the hardest, and that is learning how to just say “no.” Use your voice to say, “no.” To actually speak up and say that no, you don’t want to do something, no, you actually do not like that that, and no, I would rather do other things. Being able to say no is the first step in finding the balance needed between being “nice” and pleasing others and taking care of Number One… which is you!

Andy Wooten M.A. Counseling – A Certified Life Coach In Aspen, Colorado

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Photo By Andy Wooten – 23 June 2015

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